Hysterectomy

4 days to go until I get my uterus removed.

I was diagnosed with endometriosis in the spring of 2000. At that time I had laparoscopic surgery which gave me some relief as my ob/gyn removed some of the adhesions. Having a baby in 2001 also helped "clear me out" as the doc put it. Now, 8 years later, I am in severe pain. The pain is not just during my periods (which are unbearable) but there is also a persistant crampiness with occassional shooting pains all month long.

I've been told my one doc I had fibroids big enough to feel during a regular exam. My new ob/gyn checked with ultrasound and said they're small so they shouldn't cause too much pain. But, he said my uterus is "soft" and described it as being sort of like a nerf ball... apparently that is a condition called adenomyosis - which can not really be diagnosed until pathology explores the uterus once it is removed.

My lyme disease often complicated and was confused with my gyno symptoms. In fact, because both are on a 4 week cycle, for a long time it was difficult to distinguish between the two. My migraines are also related to both. I am hoping that by having this surgery I will be able to sort through some of my chronic pain issues and eliminate a big cause of it.

So, I am now in the waiting game. In four days the uterus will be removed. The surgery will be laparoscopic with robotic assistance, a "DaVinci" procedure. I am told this is the least invasive and will have a fast recovery time. I can't wait.

The most difficult part of the waiting is the pain! I normally take ibuprofen or vicoprofen, but neither are allowed because of the blood thinning properties of the ibuprofen.

Ironically, while waiting in pain for this surgery I am also trying to prepare an exegesis project on Philippians 4:4-13. Part of the process is moving beyond our own personal place to enter into how others may read the passage or interpret it. Normally I find this very easy to do... but this particular passage has sustained me for many years through all my pain, especially "I can do all things through Christ who sustains me" (v. 13). It is my mantra this week as I push through the pain and wait for relief.

The project will have to wait. I have to remember v. 6 and not be anxious. I know God is with me and that knowledge gives me strength.

At this point in time, my biggest anxiety is over finishing the semester. I can probably get an extension if I need one for most of my classes. And actually, I am ahead in many of them. My biggest concern is for my ethics class. That class requires the most work and the majority of the work is not assigned in advance. It also is heavily discussion based... so if I can't make it to class, I will not really understand the material.

But I can do this. I will not be anxious. Christ will give me strength.

Lyme Lament

So, my lyme is back... I just haven't found a doctor yet who will admit it and treat me. Instead I'm wasting my time with an uneducated primary care doc and a useless neurologist.
In the meantime, I am unable to attend classes and honestly worried I will never get my degree. I have an assignment for my pastoral liturgics class to write a lament about a difficult time in my life that I can now look back on. Well, I can look back... the scary part is looking forward.

My lament:

Why me God?
Why did you have to make me suffer?
Haven’t I been good enough?
Am I so horrible that I need to suffer so much?

The pain is too much
My life is over
The enemy haunts my days and nights
Every waking moment I tremble in fear
Don’t let the enemy take over again!

Where are you God?
Why have you left me here alone?
Or worse, are you there watching me?
Are you ignoring my pain?
Dear God why won’t you end this misery for me?
If you won’t take my pain, then please… just take my life
I can’t go through this again!
You saved me once
Once you pulled me from this hell and showed me your light
Where is that light now?
Where is the hope?

I do trust in your mercy
I know you will not let this disease kill me,
But why do you let it take so much away?
Must I only depend on you?

Lord, take this thorn in my flesh away!
I will sing your praises forever if you heal me!
I have tasted health; it is a sweet and wonderful thing
Give me that fruit again O God, I need it in my mouth once more