Good Friday

Pilate handed Jesus over to be crucified.  The soldiers took Jesus prisoner. Carrying his cross by himself, he went out to a place called Skull Place (in Aramaic, Golgotha).  That’s where they crucified him—and two others with him, one on each side and Jesus in the middle. Pilate had a public notice written and posted on the cross. It read “Jesus the Nazarene, the king of the Jews.”  Many of the Jews read this sign, for the place where Jesus was crucified was near the city and it was written in Aramaic, Latin, and Greek. Therefore, the Jewish chief priests complained to Pilate, “Don’t write, ‘The king of the Jews’ but ‘This man said, “I am the king of the Jews.”’”

 Pilate answered, “What I’ve written, I’ve written.”

 When the soldiers crucified Jesus, they took his clothes and his sandals, and divided them into four shares, one for each soldier. His shirt was seamless, woven as one piece from the top to the bottom. They said to each other, “Let’s not tear it. Let’s cast lots to see who will get it.” This was to fulfill the scripture,

They divided my clothes among themselves,
    and they cast lots for my clothing.
        That’s what the soldiers did.

Jesus’ mother and his mother’s sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene stood near the cross.  When Jesus saw his mother and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to his mother, “Woman, here is your son.”  Then he said to the disciple, “Here is your mother.” And from that time on, this disciple took her into his home.

 After this, knowing that everything was already completed, in order to fulfill the scripture, Jesus said, “I am thirsty.”  A jar full of sour wine was nearby, so the soldiers soaked a sponge in it, placed it on a hyssop branch, and held it up to his lips. ³⁰ When he had received the sour wine, Jesus said,“It is completed.”

Bowing his head, he gave up his life.

 It was the Preparation Day and the Jewish leaders didn’t want the bodies to remain on the cross on the Sabbath, especially since that Sabbath was an important day. So they asked Pilate to have the legs of those crucified broken and the bodies taken down.  Therefore, the soldiers came and broke the legs of the two men who were crucified with Jesus.  When they came to Jesus, they saw that he was already dead so they didn’t break his legs.  However, one of the soldiers pierced his side with a spear, and immediately blood and water came out.  The one who saw this has testified, and his testimony is true. He knows that he speaks the truth, and he has testified so that you also can believe.  These things happened to fulfill the scripture, They won’t break any of his bones. And another scripture says, They will look at him whom they have pierced.

 After this Joseph of Arimathea asked Pilate if he could take away the body of Jesus. Joseph was a disciple of Jesus, but a secret one because he feared the Jewish authorities. Pilate gave him permission, so he came and took the body away. Nicodemus, the one who at first had come to Jesus at night, was there too. He brought a mixture of myrrh and aloe, nearly seventy-five pounds in all. Following Jewish burial customs, they took Jesus’ body and wrapped it, with the spices, in linen cloths.  There was a garden in the place where Jesus was crucified, and in the garden was a new tomb in which no one had ever been laid.  Because it was the Jewish Preparation Day and the tomb was nearby, they laid Jesus in it.

John 19:16-42

Why some fights are easier than others

This week I have been reflecting a lot on why I engage in some of the social justice "fights" that I do, and why I am less engaged in others.

There are no easy answers.  Probably the simplest explanation is that some issues have impacted me on a more personal level than others, so those are easier to get involved in.

One of those issues is the fight for GLBTQ rights.  It is a justice issues I was heavily involved in during the late 1990's.  In fact, I even testified at the hearing for marriage equality, which then got downgraded to Civil Unions in Vermont "back in the day" as they say.  At the time I was one of the faculty advisory for the Spaulding High School Gay-Straight Alliance, and I was determined to fight for my students to have access to marriage just like I did.  (I am happy to say that Vermont continued to progress and that some of those same students who were at the State House with me that night are now happily married to the person of their choice).

But I haven't been as actively involved or as vocal on the issues for the last ten years or so.  I could use the excuse that I've been busy raising my son.  But that's not the whole truth, especially now that my son is getting older and issues of sexuality are more and more a part of his life.

I could use the excuse that I'm clergy in the United Methodist Church, a church that teaches that homosexuality is "incompatible with Christian teaching".  But that's not the whole truth, there are plenty of others who stand up and speak out against that stance, and I have done that to a lesser degree.

The truth is that I am scared.  This is a dangerous issue.  This is an issue that can get you attacked and slandered in the media for supporting it (as I was in 2000).  It can get you beat up or kicked out of your home (as many queer youth have experienced).  It can get you brought up on charges in your church.

I had planned to be more vocal this week.  I had planned to go to DC and join others in publicly praying for all involved in the Prop 8 and DOMA cases.  Unfortunately, my chronic health problems had other plans and I spent those days in pain and unable to participate other than turning my social media profiles red.

I wish I was healthy enough and courageous enough to fight for social justice in more ways than through social media, but some days it's just not possible for me.

I do admire those people who take risks to stand up for what they know to be right, what they know to be just.  People like those arrested in Chicago this week while fighting to keep their children's schools open... fighting to save their communities.  The problems we have with our educational system here in Calvert County is no where near this challenging.  If it was, would I be brave enough to truly fight for justice (non-violently of course)?

While we enter the Triduum, I find myself reflecting on my place in the larger community.  I find myself reflecting on true suffering and sacrifice.  I find myself reflecting on the injustice and brutality that our society (any society) is capable of.  And I remind myself that even when it's Friday, and all seems dark, that I must have faith, because Sunday is coming.

Public Witness

Sometimes one of the simplest things to do on the list of things considered "advocacy" is also one of the most difficult.

Today I joined just over a dozen other people at the Board of County Commissioners meeting for Calvert County.  We were there to officially receive a proclamation from the board declaring April as Autism Awareness month in Calvert County.

It was super simple for me to do. I just put on my blue sweater and walked two blocks to the court house.  I was in, had my picture taken, took some time to socialize with the others who were there for the same purpose, and back home within an hour.  I didn't have to speak.  All I had to do was show up and smile.

But the journey to get here was anything but simple.  If you had told me five years ago that I would be doing this, I would have asked "why?".

Because five years ago autism was a problem other parents faced.

Sure, I had seen my share of teens on the spectrum when I was teaching, but it had not impacted me in such a way that I was aware of the challenges families face to get a diagnosis or treatment.  It was no big deal to me because it hadn't impacted me personally.

Funny how much your life can change in five years.

My son was diagnosed as having high functioning autism or Asperger's syndrome just two years ago.

Wow.

Just two years?!

When I look back at the struggle we had to get him diagnosed and the struggles we have had to get him to not only remember to take his meds, but also actively participate in some of the social/behavioral therapies over those two years it hardly seems possibly that it's only been that long.  Some days it seems like much, much longer.

Then I look back.

I am so grateful for the awesome teachers my son had in kindergarten and first grade when we lived in Vermont.  Even though at that time we thought he "only" had Lyme disease and Babesiosis, they looked at the symptoms and treated him accordingly.

I am grateful for friends and family that supported us in our decision to pursue testing and evaluation which ultimately led our 2e (twice exceptional) child to be "labeled" as an honors student on the autism spectrum.  Yes, it's possible... in fact, it is fairly common.

I am grateful for the teachers, administrators, Autism Project teachers, church youth group leaders, Boy Scout leaders, and other adults who interact with my son and celebrate his unique qualities while guiding him toward socially acceptable behavior in a world that sometimes overwhelms his senses and challenges him in ways other children his age may not struggle with.

I am grateful for patience with those adults and children who do not know how to interact with my son without engaging in behavior which feels like bullying or at the very least a severe lack of compassion.  I pray for them to understand... but I pray they do not need to go through hardship to gain that understanding.

And then I look forward.

One of the mothers there today shared her joy that her autistic child will graduate high school this year.  She was barely able to hold back her tears of joy.  When I spoke with her after the proclamation she shared some struggles they still have, but also commented on just how far her daughter has come.

We've been fortunate.  Jeffrey is very high functioning.  We never had to worry about speech delay (Jeff has always had an advanced vocabulary, so much that until we forced the issue, the schools were willing to overlook some articulation issues and challenges with perceptive language).  We are fairly certain that Jeff will go to college and pray that he will do well there.

But it is still troubling to think of him as an adult, functioning independently.  That is the ultimate goal - to help him become the best adult he can become.  And that means helping him navigate more than just academics.

Praying for a positive experience as we help him through the next six years of school and of life.

Customer service

Whatever happened to customer service?

I've been fighting with my insurance company for over a year about a mistake they made regarding my coordination of benefits.  This one little mistake cost me thousands of dollars in medical bills (which I refuse to pay).  I have called them about it numerous times and they have "fixed" the mistake a few times, yet the claims keep getting denied and I keep getting billed.

I even went so far as to submit an official request for review... twice (over two separate instances, both related to their mistake over a year ago).  In both cases the formal review said basically, "nope, sorry, we did nothing wrong".

Today, after getting off the phone with the Maryland Attorney General's office regarding the first claim dispute, I called them about the second dispute (which I have not submitted to the AG yet, but will if this doesn't work).  This time I got a "rapid review" right over the phone and it seems the problem may have been fixed so that the claim can finally be paid.  We'll see. I'm not getting my hopes up, I simply do not trust United Healthcare any more.

But that made me wonder about customer service.  Why did I need to call and have a 5 minute conversation with an escalation person when I had already sent over 5 pages of evidence to support my claim to the official escalation and review office?  Do the people in the official review office even read the paperwork that gets sent to them?

I question this for many reasons, including the fact that both letters I got in response to my requests for review included horrible grammar and barely made any sense, almost like there were instructions on the screen that said 'insert reason for appeal request here' and the rest of it was a form letter.  One said: "We reviewed your concern about service should be eligible for reimbursement because service was incorrectly denied."  And the other made even less sense, like the person forgot to fill in the blank: "We reviewed your concern about no corrective steps needed because we have determined the claim is processed correctly per the provider's UnitedHealthcare contract..."  I mean really, who writes these things?

The good news is the woman I spoke with on the phone today not only spoke English well, she also seemed to understand my concern and sounded like she might be able to make sure it gets fixed (finally!).  The interesting thing is this is the second time I have called UnitedHealthcare in the past week about two different issues.  Both times I had excellent customer service (much better than I usually get).  The difference?  They know they are being evaluated!  That's right.  In addition to the fact I probably have some sort of flag on my file (look out - this lady will get the Attorney General involved), but UHC is also currently conducting a phone survey about each customer's experience when they call in.  So each person seems to be on their best behavior and actually trying to solve problems instead of just passing the buck and ignoring the customer like they typically do.

Of course, I won't know if this issue is really resolved or not, I need to wait 10 business days for the verdict.

What would happen if every customer service representative was kept on their toes by knowing the customer would be asked to evaluate them after each experience?  How would that change the interactions people have in stores and when working with folks in the service industry?

Is this what our society has come to?  Do we rely so much on testing and assessment in school that we have transferred that to our adult lives too?  Do we really expect instant feedback after every interaction so we know how to change our behavior?  Have we lost the ability to self-monitor to know if we are being polite and effective at our jobs?

What is this world coming to?

Praying for a society where human beings are able to interact with one another in a civil manner to resolve disputes without getting more and more people involved.  As Christians, isn't that what we're called to do?  Isn't getting crowds to fight for you supposed to be a last resort?  (Ok, granted, the advice in Matthew 18 is in regards to disputes among members of the Christian community, not disputes with large companies or society at large... but same idea).  Why does making a big deal out of things seem to be the only way to get anything settled in the world today?

Pondering hospitality

I had a unique experience this morning.  I was able to visit a church relatively incognito.  It was not a United Methodist church, but it was very close to my home (I was able to walk there in less than 10 minutes).  There were a few people there whom I have met before, but none of them saw me until the end.

This was the first in what I plan to be several visits to area churches.  I decided a while ago that if I am going to truly be in ministry with my community then I need to be out in the community more.  This includes challenges to be in public more on week days, but it also includes a challenge to myself to live into my ideal of Christian unity by worshiping alongside others I do not typically worship with.  I have challenged myself to visit several churches in the community over the next couple of months.  I have a few key congregations in mind for my little visits, some mainline, some non-denominational, some white, some black (I don't know of any truly multi-cultural churches in this county or that would be at the top of my list).

For most of the congregations I plan to visit I know someone who worships there regularly and I plan to ask them to help introduce me to folks, to play host if you will.  But this time was different.  I did not do any prep work ahead of time.  I told no one I was coming.  In fact, I had not decided where I would worship this morning until last night.

Today is Palm Sunday - for people who place high value on liturgy as I do, it's a very important day to be among fellow followers of Christ.  I know that Palm/Passion Sunday is a liturgical tradition that not every church celebrates, but I knew that at this point in my struggling faith I needed to find one that did.  For me, that meant going close to the "tree trunk" (If you picture the various denominations as parts of a tree, the Catholic and Orthodox trees are the roots/trunk, then the various denominations that broke off from there are the large branches, then those branch out into smaller branches and so on).  I plan to worship at a Roman Catholic church on Easter Sunday, so I decided to try an Episcopal church today.

I got there about 10 minutes before the service started.  I was greeted and welcomed, but no one offered to help me find a bulletin or offered instruction on where I should go.  The sanctuary was nearly empty except for a few of the congregations oldest members.  All the others were gathering in the parish hall to prepare to process in with drums, a trumpet, and of course palm fronds waving in the air.  I knew that's where they were and I easily could have gone to join them, but since no one specifically invited me to, I used that as an excuse and instead I stayed in the quietness of the sanctuary.

I took time to look at some of the stained glass and architecture.  I looked at the organ as the women behind me pondered it's beauty (they found it very plain in both looks and tone).  I watched the organist fidget as she awaited the rest of the congregation's triumphal entry.  And I centered myself in prayer.

Finally the rest of the congregation processed in to a weak drum beat, with palm branches clasped in hands eager to find the correct seat, and a song barely on their lips.  The worship service fell into place as soon as everyone was seated.  The rhythm of the liturgy was of course a little different from what I am used to, but not so completely foreign that I felt out of place.

The recitation of scripture and even the singing of a psalm all seemed quite out of place, quite without spirit (honestly, the psalm for today would have fit the passionate emotion of spoken word much more appropriately than a delicate chant most likely written over a century ago).  I wondered about the heart of the congregation... did it still beat?  Or were these faithful ones going through the motions without realizing that their church had died long ago.

Then came the peace, and finally, I saw life!

The passing of the peace is a time honored liturgical tradition which, over the centuries, has also been cause of debate in many churches.  For most, it is the arguments of practicality and time keeping that win out and many congregations have encouraged members to keep it short, have moved it to the end of the service, or have simply dropped this act completely.  But this church still celebrated the peace.  I exchanged a friendly "peace be with you" with more than a dozen strangers this morning, and I watched almost everyone leave their pew and walk far and wide to greet a friend, neighbor, or complete stranger like myself.  It was a beautiful thing to observe (even if there was no actual reconciliation going on, it is difficult to talk about peace if you will not look a stranger in the eye and take their hand).

The liturgy continued with a homily inviting the congregation to actually partake in one of the many worship services occurring during Holy Week and finished with communion (which, again, I did not participate in - this was not because I did not feel welcome, but simply because I saw not gluten free elements being offered).  The worship ended and everyone was dismissed.

And here's where it got interesting.

I had a decision to make.  I had come to worship with no plan to interact with anyone, honestly I just wanted a place to connect with God at the start of this Holiest of times in the Christian calendar.  I easily could have put on my coat and made it out the door in a flash before anyone had a chance to speak to me.  But God and I had been talking throughout the whole service, and I knew it was time for me to offer hospitality.

You heard that right.  Even though I was technically the guest in this congregation, I had a job to do - to share God's love and the joy of salvation through a very simple act.

I had pinned a palm rose on my shirt this morning (I could do a whole other post on the significance of palm crafts for our family, but not right now...).  I also took the palm that was handed to me during the worship service and folded it into a rose during the homily (starting when the rector mentioned Good Friday and ending when she mentioned resurrection on Easter).  Before we left the woman next to me commented on the beauty of it.

So I offered it to her.

Another woman also commented on how lovely it was, so I offered to make one for her.  I took her palm fronds and quickly crafted a rose for her.  I did this while explaining to these women that it is a simple joy for me to make this craft, that I had taught myself by finding instructions on-line, and that no, it was no trouble, and I actually really enjoy being able to make these to share with people.

Soon some of the young girls gathered around and asked if I would please make a flower for them. I did, with great pleasure.  I continued chatting with various women explaining that I lived nearby, that I am in fact clergy in the United Methodist church (as is my husband), but that I also enjoy worshiping with brothers and sisters in other congregations.

I'm not sure how long I stayed there in that little back pew.  I do know that before I left I had made a handful of roses.  One little girl had enough palms for me to make two - so I encouraged her to share one with her mom, who was speechless for a moment before thanking me several times.

It was a brief encounter, but it brought so much joy to me.  And, if their faces were any indication, it also brought great joy to each of the women who received a rose from me today.

When I went to church this morning, I did not know what to expect.  I knew God had put it on my heart to be in that building, with those people, on this day.  I may not know everything that happened as a result of my brief encounters today, but I do not need to know.  God had something in mind for all of us.  I am just so thankful that I faced my fears and took the time to listen.

God of suffering and death, thank you for being with each of us as we struggle through so many difficult things in this life.  But most of all, thank you for being the God of resurrection.  Thank you for the reminder that even when everything goes dark and we feel abandoned, that you will make all things new.

Pulling weeds

Today I was bombarded by yet another headache.  This one seemed to be more of a "toxic" headache than a typical migraine.  Maybe all the migraine meds I've been taking, plus all the toxins from the Lyme disease are finally catching up with me.  I spent most of my day trying to get rid of the pain in my mid-back, neck and head (all on my left side, of course... my most painful side).

I also got another bill in the mail today for something my insurance screwed up on and refuses to fix... gonna need to write to the attorney general again on that one.  sigh...

Some days I just don't want to keep fighting.  Chronic pain sucks.  Medical bills that I'm not supposed to be responsible for but my insurance keeps denying because of their own mistake suck. And tomorrow is the start of Holy Week and I have no congregation to join in palm waving.

I will not let the devil get me down.  I made time to go attack the dead grass and weeds (and new ones trying to grow) in one of my little gardens today.  It took a good bit of the limited energy I had, but I needed to get my frustration out and the symbolic pulling of weeds was the best I could do today.

Praying for healing for body and spirit.

Sometimes Bears get the honey

Today my little "cub" was calm cool and collected.  He went to school and finished all of his major projects for the marking period.  He came home happy and proud.

What he may not be aware of is the fact that Mama Bear was hard at work "behind the scenes" talking with his teachers and IEP administrator yesterday and today to make sure he got the help he needed.

It looks like the smoke is clearing and the Bear family can celebrate what many might consider a small victory (I mean, after all, it was just two assignments.  What's the big deal, right?)

Jeff's IEP administrator has promised to talk more with his teachers to make sure they understand his unique needs.  She will also more closely monitor his progress in his classes (she has not previously worried about him because he is such a good student).

This weekend I will relax.  Jeff will relax.  We survived the 3rd marking period.  One more marking period to go in 6th grade, 24 more to go in free, public school.  He's half-way through his school career.  He has come a long way.  He still has farther to go.  He will get there with the love and support of his parents and teachers, but he also needs to love himself enough to realize when he needs to ask for support.  When he finally masters that skill, then I will declare a major victory!

Prayers of thanksgiving for small successes that mean so much to little people.
Prayers for the road ahead.
Prayers for students who, unlike Jeffrey, do not have a "Mama Bear" or a "Papa Bear" to speak out for them when their educational needs are not being met.

Mama Bear, part 2

Advice for teachers, AKA things to never say to a parent of a child on an IEP:

"He's in honors, so I know he can do it"

Yes, my child is in honors,

 he is highly intelligent,

 but no, he cannot do it.  

He lacks the executive functioning skills 

to even know where to begin 

on a project of this size.  

That's why the IEP clearly states...

That's why you should have ...

As his parents, we are glad to help him 

at home when we know

 there is a large project due, 

but we did not know this time!

"He said he understood"

Of course he did!

He probably thought he did.

Plus, he doesn't like to look "mental"

in front of his peers.

He's in middle school,

image is a huge deal.

He wants desperately to fit in.

Did you check his work 

to make sure he understood?

No, you just took his word for it?

  (You fool!)

...

And the drama continues as we discover another major project (for a different class) due TOMORROW - the last day of the marking period and the last day for this particular class.

RRRRRRRROOOOAHHHH

Mama Bear not happy!

But Mama Bear need to balance displeasure with help for cub.

Cub is having a major anxiety attack.

Cub is in danger of slipping back into depression.

School should not be this hurtful.

Teachers should know better.

Mama Bear

A friend of mine who has a great deal of experience advocating for children with special needs (including both of her own children) often warns parents to be careful when they approach the school for IEP meetings or other communication.  She reminds parents to keep a level head and focus on the needs and goals for the student instead of pointing fingers.  She cautions that this is particularly challenging when you feel like your son or daughter has been somehow wronged by the system (or a particular person in the school), but that is when it is most important.

So today, when I checked on my sons grades and saw a zero recorded for a book report, due last week, I had to remind myself to approach this conversation calmly.  First, I asked my son for more information.  He was extremely reluctant to give me any. He pleaded with me to not make a big deal about it or drag out the IEP, because that makes it look like he's "mental", and he's not, he just didn't do it... it's all his fault.  I told him that I understand and am glad that he wants to take responsibility for his incomplete assignments, but that I still need to double check a few things... not because he's "mental", but because sometimes his brain works a little differently and because of that sometimes he needs help organizing things (like lots of ideas into organized reports that others will understand).  Eventually he handed me the assignment rubric.

 It had been assigned over a month ago.

He had written less than two sentences.

I had to bite my tongue and take a few very deep breaths.  I then asked some follow up questions like, "did your teacher ever ask to see your draft or maybe your graphic organizer?"  After his responses of "No... well, she looked at the organizer in very the beginning and said I needed more" (Did she check it again later?)  "No".  (Did she check anything else?)  "No".  Ok, thank you.

Mama Bear came out.  Mama Bear was MAD.  Mama Bear wanted to protect her "cub" from teacher.  Teacher BAD, Teacher no follow IEP. (Bear not good at English)

Mama Bear breathe.

Mama Bear find IEP and re-read.

Mama Bear breathe again and say some prayers.

Mama start drafting well thought out, evidence based, e-mail to not only the teacher but also the IEP coordinator at the school.  Mama ask Papa to read it.  Mama re-read it.  Mama send it.

Mama talk to not-so-little boy about why it is her job to protect him and make sure he is getting help when he needs it, and how it is his teacher's job to provide help.  Mom also explain to big boy that the more help he gets with certain skills now, the less accommodations will be needed in his IEP in the future, because ultimately success and independence are the goals.  Big boy concede that it is ok for Mom to help.

Mom take a breath... mom say another prayer.

Melt-down averted.  Evidence of growth (for both me son).  Praise and thanksgiving.  We will survive middle school!

Health concerns

Once again my biggest accomplishment today was not giving in to depression. I struggle with depression as a result of my chronic battle with Lyme disease and (related) migraines.

Today I spent over 1/2 my waking hours laying in pain, unable to function at all.

Praying for relief.

A Fond Farewell

Today was my last day at Mount Harmony-Lower Marlboro UMC as the Minister of Discipleship. After worship the congregation offered me a little farewell party.  There were many kind words and hugs, and a few tears.  The youth group plans to have their own separate farewell celebration this evening, and I expect some tears there as well.  It is a bittersweet farewell.  This congregation has been a great gift to me over the past nearly two years.  They have allowed me to minister to them and to the youth with great grace and kindness.

Yet, at the same time, much of my time there was spent on youth ministry and (adult) Christian Education.  Very little of my time was actually spent on my true calling of social justice.  True, I tried to work themes of social justice into sermons and lessons every now and then, but it was not a ministry fully dedicated to social justice by any means.  Thus, it is time to move on.

I will spend the next few months trying to really figure out what God has planned for me next.  I have a few hypotheses, but I have learned that my hunches do not always match God's hints.  I will spend much time in prayer searching for discernment.  But, I will also need to spend much time "pounding the pavement" so to speak looking for a new full or part-time opportunity to serve God and the community of Calvert County in a way that truly matches my gifts, my talents and my calling.

Please pray for me during this time of transition.

Cleaning house

Today my family spent some time sorting though piles of "stuff" we have accumulated over the past few weeks, months, and in some cases years.

I don't often have the energy to clean, so when I do I typically focus on one or two small areas and give them a thorough cleaning.  The problem with this method is that I tend to focus on the areas that need a deep cleaning the most, and sometimes the rest of the house gets neglected.

I thank God for a husband who is not above cleaning and organizing... at least a couple times a year (especially when the piles belong to him!).

And what better time to clean than during Lent.  Sometimes cleaning our outside environment helps us turn inward and clear some spiritual cobwebs as well.  For me, it was digging through piles of papers from my desk.  Do I really need to save this?  Oh no!  That was an issue I meant to handle months ago.  Oooh, I forgot all about this, excellent!  Wow, I don't remember where this came from... you get the idea.

Praying for a "clean house" in more ways than one.

#LymeMayDay

Today is another one of those days when my Lyme Disease seems to be winning the battle for my body and my life.  I have gotten little to nothing accomplished today.  I spent most of the day just resting.

The good news is, on days like this I am more likely to reach out to others in the Lyme community.  So I spent some time today chatting on facebook about an upcoming rally in Washington, DC to help raise awareness of Lyme Disease, particularly the existence of CHRONIC Lyme, and the added challenges of inaccurate testing, poorly trained doctors, and insurance companies that insist on denying treatments that actually work.

My big contribution, I thought of a hashtag to use for the event.  So, if you follow me on twitter, don't be surprised if you see something between now and May 25th about #LymeMayDay.  I will be there along with my mother (also a chronic Lymie) and my son (who got Lyme from me in utero... which then caused him to develop an Autism Spectrum disorder).

Today I am praying for proper treatment and a cure, not just for me, but for the thousands of others who suffer from this disease each and every day.

Abuse of Power

Yesterday I traveled to Annapolis to meet with some pastors in the area to talk about how they can help encourage the house judiciary committee, or more specifically, their chairman, to bring HB 713 up for a vote.

The bill is for asset forfeiture for those accused of Human Trafficking.  In essence, it makes the punishment for marketing humans the same as the punishment for marketing drugs.  It is a common sense measure that will not only act as a deterrent for potential traffickers, but it will also provide funds to help victims (seized assets can be sold and the money will then go into supporting victims of human trafficking here in Maryland).

The bill has been introduced for four years in a row, and each year it has died in committee because a defense attorney sits in the position of chairman.  In previous years the senate has passed its version of this bill UNANIMOUSLY!  17 of 21 members of the (house) Judiciary Committee support the bill, and there are 80 co-signers!  If it is brought to a vote, it will pass.  But Chairman Vallario refuses to let that happen.

The Baltimore-Washington Conference's Advocacy Consultant and I met with one of Chairman Vallario's aides yesterday and we were told that "it's his prerogative" as chair to sit on anything he wants.

This weekend, churches all across Maryland will be including inserts into their weekly bulletin urging people to call Chairman Vallario.  In addition, congregations are being asked to contact the Speaker of the House, and the Governor to urge them to put pressure on the Chairman to allow this bill to go to a vote.  People can even contact their own local delegate and ask him or her to also put some pressure on the Chairman.

As for me, in addition to meeting with Vallario's aide, and the aide of co-chair, Kathleen Dumais (who introduced the bill).  I am spreading the word, asking folks to put the pressure on.

Praying for justice for human trafficking victims and perpetrators in Maryland.  Praying that the Chairman's heart will soften and he will do the right thing and allow HB713 to go up for vote.  Won't you join me?  Oh, and, even if you're not from Maryland, you can always advocate for similar protection in your own state.  Here's one way.

Visioning diversity

I spent my morning in dialogue with a colleague from a different denomination.  The two of us have been working together on a couple of different ministries, boards, and coalitions for the past couple of years.  Our conversation this morning was about envisioning where it is all leading us.

We are both white "imports" to a land that is has a very "living history" sort of feel of the "deep south".  The area we live in still has many inhabitants struggling with the consequences of forced de-segregation.  And the churches have simply not de-segregated, despite what has happened in other areas of civil society.

Yet, there is a growing movement in the county, not just among those of us who have moved there in the past 40 years, but increasingly among those who were born and raised there, to pursue not only de-segregation, but also reconciliation.

Thus, our vision involves the Southern Maryland Action Coalition, as well as some of our partners, to serve as a model of how this can be done.  We are composed of a variety of churches from various denominations, and we have worked at being truly diverse.  We have men and women, clergy and lay, black and white all working together and sharing the vision and the work-load.  The grand vision is that we continue to strengthen our work with one another while also teaching and modeling racial reconciliation and anti-oppression in the church and the community.  We hope that in so doing, we will be building a strong foundation to address other systemic issues in the county that often stem from covert (and in some cases overt) racism.

There is still much planning to be done and many details to be worked out, but I am growing more and more excited about this.

In the mean-time, I will be spending my Sundays over the next few months visiting a variety of churches in the county (both "black" and "white") and starting the process of growing and expanding our relationships.  I appreciate your prayers in this effort.

Family

Today I was a wife and mother.

My husband was sick, so he stayed home from work.  All day.  This is very unusual for him, not just to take a sick day, but also to avoid going over to church or even speaking on the phone with anyone.

Now, I won't get a wife of the year award or anything... but I did make sure to ask him if he needed anything and offered to help him.

Then, when my son got home from school, I made sure to focus on his needs.  In this case, it was taking him shopping.  He needed new jeans and sneakers.  We found some jeans, but no sneakers. We will look again another day.  While shopping for clothing, he spotted a spring-time suit.  My son has an affinity for dressing up for church.  He loves dressing up so much, that he will occasionally dress up and ask us to take him somewhere... it's his way of fishing or complements.  And, I have to admit, I'm a sucker for a guy in a suit and tie, so of course I bought it for him.  What do you think, is he dapper or what?

 We also bought some potting soil and a new pot.  He recently cloned one of my houseplants and the roots are finally long enough to propagate a new plant.  After we returned from the store I had to help him pot the plant.  He then decided that his room was not a safe place for the baby plant, so he cleared a spot on the mantel for it instead (smart kid!).

He then spent the rest of the evening modeling his new clothes and checking on his dad.  Sometimes he is such a good kid I have to wonder where he gets it from.  Now, I should get off-line and check on the patient.

Today, I am blessed.  Praising God for a wonderful family.

Changing education from the outside

15 years ago I was a teacher.  My goal was to help each student learn to the best of their ability.  I used differentiated instruction as much as possible and made sure to always look for ways to connect with students, especially the ones that had never experienced success in academics (or at least not in science) before.

Now I'm out of the classroom, but helping each student succeed is still a priority for me.  That's why I chose to lead the Southern Maryland Action Coalition's task force on Education and why I am a proud member of the Closing the Gap Coalition.  Our group is made up of a diverse group of individuals, some with educational backgrounds, others with backgrounds in social services, healthcare, library services, religion, and more.  We have some who are retired, and some at the beginning of their careers (and most in between).  We have both African American and Caucasian, men and women... and we all work together (a model a few other county groups could learn something from)!

Today we spent time talking about our latest meeting with the superintendent of the Calvert County Public School system and some of his administrative staff.  We had some concerns about special education.  We gave them a list of questions which they have yet to answer (they promised an answer by the end of February).  So we will continue to put pressure on CCPS to make sure that they are not only meeting their legal obligations, but also their moral obligations to ensure a quality education for ALL students, even those with special needs.

We also heard from an advocate about services he and his company can provide, including some of the legal measures that can be taken if the school fails to live up to their obligation to provide an appropriate education for each child.

Our group began gathering about a year ago and at that time set up a few areas we wanted to spend some additional time looking into.  From that point on, the deeper we have dug into these issues, the more digging and advocating we have found that needs to be done.

We want to partner with the school system, to help them understand the concerns of the community, and to help them reach out to the community (we have extensive networks that may not otherwise hear about events the school is sponsoring).  But - in addition to providing support, we also want them to know that we are a force to be reckoned with.  We have power, because we have a number of citizens groups that we work with... and there is power in numbers.  We will be a prophetic voice and we will hold them accountable as necessary.

As a parent of a child who has an Individual Education Program (IEP), I feel for families who face much larger struggles than we do.  As a former educator, I know how the ideal accommodations can be challenging to implement in the classroom.  As a person of faith, I see it as a moral necessity for each teacher and administrator to continually strive to reach all students and help each of them not just "meet the standard", but do the best that they can.

Today, I pray for students, teachers, administrators, school board members, para-educators and other support personnel in our schools,  and communities which value education.  Won't you join me?

Times and Seasons

No, this post has nothing to do with springtime or Daylight savings.

Or, maybe it does... but not in the way you would think.

I have been thinking a lot this week about seasons - the kind of seasons that old chain e-mail talks about.  You know, "some people come into our lives for a season, some for a reason..."

Anyway, that also makes me think of Ecclesiastes 3 (usually in Simon and Garfunkel's voices).

There have been several things that have happened over the past few months that indicate it is time for a new season in my life.  Whenever this happens there is always some excitement, and always some fear.  Anticipation and anxiety go hand in hand, at least for me.

And, whenever the seasons change, I guess my mind's "clock" has a tendency to jump in one direction or another.  When I was younger and entering a new season, I would always jump forward.  I would imagine what my life would be like when I was grown.  Who would I fall in love with?  What would our children look like?  Of course, now that I am older and have been through more seasons, I have lost my ability to fantasize about the future so much.  Instead, my mind often travels back to one of the most important seasons of my life...

It was not important because it was when I lost so much to Lyme disease.  No, it was before that.
It was not important because it was when I gave birth.  No it was before that.
It was not important because it was when I met my husband.  No, it was before that.

It was a season in my life when it felt like my whole world was turning upside down, when everything I knew about human relationships started to change drastically.  It was a time in my life when my past haunted me, my future terrified me, and my present often paralyzed me.  It was a season of a dark night... when I first contemplated suicide.  Yet, it was also a time in my life when I made some of the closest friends I would ever make.  It was the season in my life when I had my first real kiss, and fell in love for the first time (and suffered my first broken heart).

I don't know why the springtime of my freshman year of high school is the season in my life that my subconscious always returns to when my current life starts to move in a new direction.  Maybe it's my mind's way of reminding me that I've felt the earth move beneath my feet before, and that time when I fell some truly awesome people were there to catch me and they stayed with me through the next few years and supported me through the several major seasons of my life even from the other side of the country.

So, maybe that silly old chain e-mail is right.  God does put some people into our lives for just a season, and some for a whole lot longer.  The important part is knowing which are which before it's too late... and taking the time to appreciate each one of them while they are still with you.

Praying for some old friends tonight, and thanking God for them.

Spring Cleaning

Today I went to the dentist.

It was a routine visit, just a 6 month check-in with my hygienist.  She is not the type that asks you a million questions while your mouth is wide open and you have no way of giving a coherent answer.  Rather, she silently cleans your teeth and offers little in the way of chit chat before or after doing so.  But that's fine with me.  Just because I'm clergy does not mean I enjoy chit chat.
Normally I have a million things on my mind and I work on them silently in my mind during my cleaning.  But today I didn't.  Today I did not have much on my mind at all, so I used the time as a quiet reflection/meditation time.

As I lay there listening to the sound of the tartar being gently removed, I thought about the gift I was receiving.  It reminded me of grace and forgiveness.

We all gather gunk and stains in our lives (we call this "baggage" and sin).  Every once in a while it's good to take that stuff to God and ask for a cleaning.  God washes away our sins.

When I was younger I had a hygienist that also offered a good deal of education.  She would always remind me to floss and warn me of the dangers of tooth decay.  I also got similar reminders about sinful behaviors from my CCD teachers.  My spiritual hygienists would remind me not only to make sure I got my regular cleanings and check-ups, but also how to avoid getting cavities and needing dentures.

But the hygienist I have now trusts me.  She understands that I know what I am "supposed to do" to have healthy teeth.  She knows that I know that if she has to spend a long time on a certain area that I have probably not been giving it the attention it needs.  She doesn't need to say anything.  And when the dentist comes in for the exam, he only says something if a problem is really going to start effecting other areas of my life (perhaps my ability to chew certain temperature foods).

The same goes for my spiritual hygienists and my spiritual Dentist (Jesus).  My companions in this journey we call a walk of faith do what they can to help me stay clean.  They understand that sometimes I will get lazy and allow some gunk to build up.  And when I do, they will do what they can to gracefully help me clean it.  And if they fail, the Dentist will always be willing to step in with the important warnings.  And if I fail to listen to those, He will gently and gracefully repair the problem and heal my pain.  Now, sometimes there is pain during the repair process, but it always feels much better in the end.   Of course, there is always evidence that I had work done.  But those fillings are also a reminder that my Dentist will always step in to help me prevent further pain.  Sometimes that intervention comes at a cost, and even though further pain may be prevented, and the initial pain just a memory, the visible reminders serve as a sign to me to avoid the types of behaviors that allowed the damage to happen the first time.

My smile is not perfect.  There is evidence of a lot of work that I have had to have done over the years.  But that work keeps me capable of chewing.  And most of all, it keeps me capable of smiling, and sharing that smile with the world.  When people ask me about my smile, I tell them about my awesome Dentist.

How's your dental/spiritual hygiene?  

Struggling

Today I feel awful.

It seems to be happening more and more lately.

Lyme symptoms.

Migraines (and other headaches?).

Fatigue.

Insomnia.

Aches and pains.

Lack of coordination.

Poor memory.

Inability to process new information.

Can't remember even simple stuff.

Imagining things?

Depression.

Rapid heart rate.

Painful chest, like a weight on it.

Weird acne-like rash all over my back and chest.

No filter.

Over sharing.

No joy.

Muscle stiffness.

Can't exercise (triggers headaches).

Can't focus.

Joint pain.

Blurry vision.

Hot, cold, hot, cold...

Cry for no reason.

Dry skin.

Hard to swallow.

Dizzy.

Unstable.

Off balance.

Twitchy.

So many pills. Do they really help?
Crap- I forgot to take my pill...

Prayer does not help.
God is still there.

Laments

Today I spent time preparing for Sunday's Grown up God Time (adult Sunday school class). We're spending Lent focusing on different ways to pray. This week we are scheduled to talk about using the psalms (and poetry and music in general) as a way to pray, especially when we struggle with finding appropriate words. I found more resources, and an easier personal connection to using laments more than any other type of psalm.

Today I also received some news, both personal news and news about someone else that cried out for lament.

God, where are you and why are you doing this? Why must so many suffer so? Where is Easter!?

Contemplating job descriptions

Today I spent some time thinking about my job description.  You see, technically I still need approval to do all the ministry I have been doing and want to be doing on behalf of my church.  I need this approval especially if I want this ministry time to count toward my time as a provisional Deacon so that one day (hopefully in May, 2014) I will be ordained as a Deacon in full connection.  Tomorrow I will sit down with our head pastor, Staff-Parish Relations Committee Chair, and District Superintendent to draft a proposal for the Bishop and the Board of Ordained Ministry to approve.

The directions I was given from my District Superintendent thus far were fairly vague: it should clearly state hours, accountability, and a job tasks that are Deacon-specific... that "could not be performed by laity" (whatever that means)*.

So, today I listed out things I had been doing and started dreaming of things I would like to be doing (theological/clergy-type things of course, nothing a mere lay person would be capable of to be sure).

My list includes things like Education Advocacy (doing) and Special Worship - weddings and funerals (not doing but certainly a "clergy task" I could be doing).

If you had time each week and no limits, how would you be in ministry with your community?  How about if you had time each week and no money (no salary, almost no budget), what would you do then?

*For those unfamiliar with the United Methodist system, there are only 2 things that an Elder ("pastor") can do that laity cannot - baptisms and blessing of communion.  A Deacon, while clergy, cannot do those 2 things either, thus, making them equivalent to laity in the tasks they are allowed to perform (technically even laity can officiate at weddings and funerals, it just takes an extra step in some states).

"Family" game night

Today I took the day off from fighting for justice.  I spent some time looking into curriculum for my adult Sunday School class for after Easter.  Unfortunately, I didn't find anything I liked.  Nothing that was a "United Methodist approved Bible study" had enough justice (I need to teach and record a session of a UMC Bible study for my ordination exam).

I spent my evening at church for a "family game night". Originally the event was supposed to be for "young adults and young families" - but we have done away with that group. I guess you could argue it was because we wanted to be "politically correct".  You see, we don't have many young adults (under 35) in our church.  And the "young families", well... what exactly does that mean?  Many of our parents of kids under age 10 are in their late 30's to even 50's... are they "young"?  Plus, we have many children who like to do things at church with their grandparents (often instead of a parent), is it really fair to exclude them?  So we opened up "family game night" to the entire church "family".  We had kids age 7-70.  Families of 1 person to multi-generational combinations of 5.  And we had a wonderful time.

#Rally4GunSafetyMD

Today I joined some of my colleagues from southern Maryland, some Episcopal clergy, for a trip to Annapolis.  We attended the Rally For Gun Safety, a Rally in support of the reform that Governor O'Malley has proposed for Maryland.

The Lawyer's Mall in Annapolis was packed with clergy, laity, and secular folks, including gun owners, all gathered to support reform.  I saw United Methodists from around Maryland as well as Sikhs, Jews, Unitarian/Universalists, senior citizens, children, and everyone in between.

It was a great rally.  There were many good arguments in support of the reform - including one speaker who comes from not only a long line of hunters, but also a family who owned a gun store for a few generations.  His biggest argument was that any civilian who needs 10 rounds at a time obviously needs to learn how to shoot. (This was not just a joke, but also a reminder that training in firearms/hunting is also included in the legislation for a reason).

Annapolis was packed today.  This morning the house was talking about the death penalty repeal - large crowds were expected for that... but from what I could tell, were no where near those that came for the gun control debate.  The crowd at the pro-reform rally were not alone.  There were plenty of people there to advocate for NOT passing any reform as well.  From what I could tell all of them were gun owners.  Many are testifying now.  So are the advocates for reform.  They began the joint hearing shortly after noon and expect to continue hearing testimony until around 1am tomorrow (at which point, even if they're not done, they will call it a night).  Our group decided we would let the testifying be left to the big-wigs (the Episcopal Bishop was asked to testify, and I'm fairly certain there was someone from the UMC asked as well), so we headed home after the rally.

The crowds that were there were actually less than I expected.  I thought this was a hugely controversial issue.  I thought a number of people cared about it passionately on both sides.  There were many people in Annapolis today, but to me, the crowds didn't seem as big as the hype.  I think my view of political action is tainted by my experience growing up in Vermont.  There were no more people at the rally today that you would find at a typical New England Town Meeting.  There were less people than I remember being at the Vermont state house in 1999 when gay marriage / civil unions were being discussed and debated.  And, there seemed to be much less emotion and passion on each side. Maybe that's because this debate was about "taking away" something (the right to own any kind of gun you want, no questions asked) instead of fighting to add something (marriage equality).  Maybe as humans we fight much harder when we see inequality.  I pray that's what it is.  I pray that we continue to fight whenever we see injustice and inequality.  I also pray for those on all sides of this firearm safety (aka gun control) debate.  It's a tough issue, but many lives depend upon it.