Today I feel awful. Today every inch of my body hurts. Today, I spent 5 hours, total, in doctors offices. Today I am questioning my call, my ministry and my career.
If I am going to continue with this horrible, at times debilitating disease, why and how am I supposed to continue in ministry?
I have heard others describe me with cliches like "wounded healer" and talk about how my testimony makes me a powerful minister, or about how Paul had a thorn in his side and it was such a blessing because it kept him fully reliant on God. But honestly, on days like this I don't feel like I could minister to anyone. On days like this I hate my life. On days like this, I have to admit I am angry - at my doctors for not being able to cure me, at myself for thinking I could return to work full time, and yes, even at God for allowing me to continue to suffer.
But, I remind myself, I've been here before. In fact, I've been much worse. At least today I was able to get out of bed. At least today I was able to drive my car and hug my family. At least today I only cried a few times. At least today I only needed to take one dose of painkillers (not that they helped).
At least today I am breathing, so many more have lost their battle.
At least today I have a beautiful home, so many others have lost theirs due to lost income and increasing medical expenses.
At least today I have income from social security disability and medicare to help pay my medical expenses, so many others have been denied those services.
At least today I have a loving husband and caring son to help me, many others suffer alone in silence.
So, maybe I do have things to be thankful for after all! There's always a "silver lining", right?
However, I am left with questions. If I am to be ordained "on schedule" (in 2014), I need to work in the same ministry setting for three years - full time. I am already facing a challenge that I am working in two part-time ministries, and my main ministry assignment is at a place that some folks in the church want to completely eliminate in the next year or two... but recently I learned of some other opportunities and challenges coming my way. I have some decisions to make, decisions that would effect my two ministry settings and my family. There are good reasons for choosing one path, but there are also many things to be afraid of if that one path is chosen. Among them is whether or not my health can take the changes. Another choice is to give up competely. A third, to try to figure out a way to only be in ministry part time... but that would probably mean no salary at all, and could make it very difficult for me to ever be fully ordained.
My husband and I have been praying about it. The more he prays the more certain he is that the opportunity of option 1 far outweighs the potential challenges. The more I pray the less sure I am of anything. Then, to have my body completely dissapoint me today only seems to add points to the "challenges" column, and therefore option 2 or 3. Then again, maybe the symptom flare I am experiencing right now is the result of anxiety over the decision I need to make. Or, maybe it's Satan attacking to weaken me because he knows I was leaning toward taking the opportunity. If that's the case, then the decision is clear - if it makes Satan angry it must be the right choice!
Dear readers, I ask for your prayers as I continue to discern what God wants me to do. Pray for healing of my symptoms and a sound mind to make the decision that is based in God's will, not based on my own fear and trepidation or my own greed.
Thanks for listening!
If I am going to continue with this horrible, at times debilitating disease, why and how am I supposed to continue in ministry?
I have heard others describe me with cliches like "wounded healer" and talk about how my testimony makes me a powerful minister, or about how Paul had a thorn in his side and it was such a blessing because it kept him fully reliant on God. But honestly, on days like this I don't feel like I could minister to anyone. On days like this I hate my life. On days like this, I have to admit I am angry - at my doctors for not being able to cure me, at myself for thinking I could return to work full time, and yes, even at God for allowing me to continue to suffer.
But, I remind myself, I've been here before. In fact, I've been much worse. At least today I was able to get out of bed. At least today I was able to drive my car and hug my family. At least today I only cried a few times. At least today I only needed to take one dose of painkillers (not that they helped).
At least today I am breathing, so many more have lost their battle.
At least today I have a beautiful home, so many others have lost theirs due to lost income and increasing medical expenses.
At least today I have income from social security disability and medicare to help pay my medical expenses, so many others have been denied those services.
At least today I have a loving husband and caring son to help me, many others suffer alone in silence.
So, maybe I do have things to be thankful for after all! There's always a "silver lining", right?
However, I am left with questions. If I am to be ordained "on schedule" (in 2014), I need to work in the same ministry setting for three years - full time. I am already facing a challenge that I am working in two part-time ministries, and my main ministry assignment is at a place that some folks in the church want to completely eliminate in the next year or two... but recently I learned of some other opportunities and challenges coming my way. I have some decisions to make, decisions that would effect my two ministry settings and my family. There are good reasons for choosing one path, but there are also many things to be afraid of if that one path is chosen. Among them is whether or not my health can take the changes. Another choice is to give up competely. A third, to try to figure out a way to only be in ministry part time... but that would probably mean no salary at all, and could make it very difficult for me to ever be fully ordained.
My husband and I have been praying about it. The more he prays the more certain he is that the opportunity of option 1 far outweighs the potential challenges. The more I pray the less sure I am of anything. Then, to have my body completely dissapoint me today only seems to add points to the "challenges" column, and therefore option 2 or 3. Then again, maybe the symptom flare I am experiencing right now is the result of anxiety over the decision I need to make. Or, maybe it's Satan attacking to weaken me because he knows I was leaning toward taking the opportunity. If that's the case, then the decision is clear - if it makes Satan angry it must be the right choice!
Dear readers, I ask for your prayers as I continue to discern what God wants me to do. Pray for healing of my symptoms and a sound mind to make the decision that is based in God's will, not based on my own fear and trepidation or my own greed.
Thanks for listening!
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